Introduction to Coffee for Dummies

Coffee Bean Types – Introduction to Coffee

Ah, the wise words of Cassandra Clare: “As long as there was coffee in the world, how bad things could be?”  Well, unless you’re planning to brew coffee with dirt and rainwater, you’ll be just fine.

Ah, the sweet nectar of the gods – coffee. The elixir that jumpstarts millions of people’s mornings and keeps them from turning into zombies. Who can be a functional human being without a daily dose of liquid gold, am I right? It’s the drink that’s always invited to the party – the life of the after-dinner scene. People can enjoy coffee in all sorts of ways, from scorching hot to ice-cold, from boring and bland to a fancy-pants Non-fat, Sugar-free Caramel Macchiato with Soy Milk.

Oh, dear coffee novice, you have much to learn. It’s not just about throwing some beans into a machine and hoping for the best. You can have a plethora of roasts that will tickle your taste buds and give your soul a much-needed caffeine kick.

You know what they say, variety is the spice of life! And in this case, the spice of coffee. With different grinds, you can experience a whole new world of textures. Who knew coffee could be so exciting? Well, well, well, looks like your coffee taste is in the hands of fate! Choose your beans and coffeemaker wisely, my friend, or you might end up with a cup of disappointment.

Sounds tricky, right?

Oh boy, this is going to be trickier than trying to teach a cat to fetch!

If you want to be a coffee connoisseur, keep reading.

I won’t force you to become a coffee addict and watch endless videos on Youtube, but if you want to avoid turning your morning cup of joe into a disaster, it wouldn’t hurt to have a little coffee know-how. Trust me, your taste buds will thank you.

Listen up, coffee experts or coffee dummies! If you want to impress your taste buds, you better get schooled on the different roast types and how they can make your coffee go from “meh” to “oh yeah!” If you want to brew the perfect cup of coffee, you gotta know how to pick the right machine and work it like a pro. Don’t be a rookie, be a brew-ki (ugh, stop Jace.) And trust me, you don’t want to miss out on the pure joy of discovering new ways to make your coffee addiction even more satisfying.

Ah, yes, the coffee movement.

It’s like a never-ending dance party, always evolving and grooving to the beat of the beans. Back in the day, who would have thought that people would be so obsessed with the origin story of their coffee, the art of flavor manipulation, and willing to shell out a small fortune of $5 for a single cup? It’s like we’re all secret coffee detectives on a mission for the perfect brew.

The magical elixir of life is now available for a mere dollar per cup! Perfect for the common folk on their mundane commute to work, in dire need of a quick pick-me-up to jumpstart their day. Ah, yes, the fancy coffee cups with Instagram-worthy art on top. Because let’s be real, who needs good taste when you can have good aesthetics?

Looks like three-fourths of adults are addicted to a hot bean water ritual every morning. Some people can’t resist the urge to sip on it like it’s their job. If it’s a habit that means so much to us, why should we muddle through each day, barely being familiar with how to maximize our pleasure from it?

Benefits of Drinking Coffee

Looks like your daily cup of coffee is secretly a superhero with more nutritional powers than some of the so-called “healthy” foods out there. Who knew caffeine could be so mighty? Ah, yes, the age-old wisdom of eating your greens and lean meats. Because who doesn’t want a body that’s as finely tuned as a sports car?

Who needs fruits and veggies when you can just have coffee? It’s got more antioxidants anyway! Coffee isn’t just a tasty beverage, it’s also a miracle elixir that can cure all your ailments! Well, maybe not all of them, but it can definitely help with some.

It works as a multi-layered protector for your body.

Coffee: because who needs sleep when you have caffeine-induced jitters? Coffee is not just a delicious beverage, it’s also an antidote for your brain! With its trusty sidekick, caffeine, it fights off evil neurotransmitters that try to induce stress. So go ahead and sip on that cup of joe, your brain will thank you!

Not only does coffee perk you up, but it also turns you into a genius…or somewhat, boosts your memory and overall brain performance. Who needs to study when you can just chug a cup of joe? Coffee is not just a morning pick-me-up, it’s also your brain’s bodyguard against pesky intruders like Alzheimer’s Disease and dementia. 

Coffee: the legal way to get your metabolism high. 

This magical potion will make you shed those extra pounds and melt away that stubborn fat (OH YEAH, LADIES AND GENTS!). Listen up, folks! Contrary to popular belief, coffee isn’t the devil’s brew. 

Not only can caffeine turn you into a jittery mess, but it can also make you feel like a superhero who can conquer any physical task with ease. Looks like your jittery system responds to caffeine faster than Usain Bolt on steroids. So, you can thank your daily dose of caffeine for making you a superhero with lightning-fast reflexes…or at least helping your response time — in a normal way.

It’s a shame that most coffee drinkers don’t know about the secret stash of nutrients hiding in their cup of joe. This is like a delicious little surprise party for your body every morning! It’s like a magical potion filled with magnesium, riboflavin (aka vitamin B2), vitamin B5, potassium, vitamin B3, vitamin E, and other mysterious nutrients.

You can get almost half your daily recommended amount of vitamin B2 by chugging four regular-sized cups of coffee. With so many ingredients packed into that little cup, it can improve your current and long-term health.

These nutrients can cut down on the odds of you getting type 2 diabetes.

Congratulations, coffee drinkers! You have a 50% better chance of survival than those who don’t indulge in coffee. Coffee can save your liver from cirrhosis, your colon from cancer, and your mind from depression. 

The nutritional value of coffee can lower your odds of getting heart disease and reduce your risk of having a heart-related health issue such as a heart attack. Take that, non-coffee drinkers!

Just a friendly reminder, don’t go overboard unless you want to end up like a balloon at a birthday party.

Don’t chug a whole gallon every day unless you want to spend your evenings serenading your toilet bowl with tales of heartburn and acid reflux

4 Basic Types of Roasts

1 – Light Roasts

Well, it’s pretty obvious that the lightly roasted coffee beans didn’t hang out in the roaster as long as their darker counterparts.  The more you burn your coffee, the more bitter it gets. So, if you want to avoid a bitter taste, don’t set your coffee on fire!

Oh, so you thought the coffee roast was top-secret classified information that only the CIA could access? Nope, it’s right there on the bag, staring at you like a judgmental barista. If you’re not a fan of feeling like you just licked a tire, then a lighter roast might be more your cup of tea… or coffee.

I mean, who wouldn’t want to keep those precious oils locked up inside the bean? It’s like a secret treasure waiting to be discovered with every sip. Well, it’s simple science really. The lighter the roast, the less bitter the taste. 

2 – Medium Roast

If you’re feeling adventurous, go for a medium roast and experience the dark side of coffee. It’s like a strong hug from your taste buds. You still won’t have as much bitterness – because there’s not a lot of the oil to give it that bitter taste.

3- Medium-Dark Roast

With a medium-dark roast, the first thing that will catch your attention will be the color of the beans. This color is like the middle child – not as light as the innocent light roast, but not as rebellious as the medium one.

If you hold a single, unground bean up to the light, you’ll be able to see the oil on the bean. Or you could just trust me on this one and save yourself the trouble of staring at a bean like a weirdo. When this type of roast is made, there’s a distinct bitterness to the flavor.

4 – Dark Roast

When coffee beans are roasted to the point of darkness, they start to resemble the color of a black hole. Well, these beans were clearly the overachievers in the roasting process, they went for the black belt level. The oil on the bean is more noticeable right away. Looks like someone forgot to add the sugar and rainbows to this coffee. If you’ve ever had an espresso, congratulations! You’ve tasted the result of roasting innocent coffee beans until they’re dark and bitter.

The type of coffee bean that you prefer to drink will depend on the kind of roast it is. 

If you prefer your coffee to taste like a hug from a unicorn, you might want to steer clear of the brooding, edgy dark roasts. So, you’re saying you want a coffee that goes down like a baby’s bottom and doesn’t leave a bitter taste in your mouth? It would be best if you chose the light roast.

If you’re not ready to have your taste buds do the cha-cha-cha, then stick to the medium or medium-dark roasted beans. Unless you’re into that kind of thing, then by all means, go for the strong stuff!

Because beans can vary even within their classifications, what one medium coffee tastes like doesn’t mean that another medium will taste exactly like it. You never know what you’re gonna get with those sneaky little guys. So, don’t be fooled by the medium coffee you had yesterday, because today’s medium might just be a whole new ballgame. Looks like you’ll have to go on a wild coffee-tasting adventure to find the one that tickles your fancy. Don’t forget to bring a map and a compass!

Now, If you want to feel like you’re drinking a cup of liquid darkness that will make your taste buds scream for mercy, then the darkest roast is the way to go. Don’t be surprised by the appearance if you buy them whole.

Well, sometimes these beans can look like they’ve been to the beach for too long and forgot to put on sunscreen. 

That’s what all that oil releases in the bean. And then, the time in the roasting process will do to this roast of the bean.

Choosing the roast you like will depend on what else you plan to put in the cup with your coffee.

If you’re the kind of person who likes their coffee as pure as their soul but can’t stand the bitterness, go for the lightest roast you can get your hands on. Don’t worry, we won’t judge you for being a coffee wimp.

If you’re into coffee that punches you in the face and makes you feel alive but also wants to add some fancy flavors to it, go ahead and try to tame the beast. Who knows, you might even find a coffee that doesn’t make you want to cry!

The beans you buy can be chosen from all over the world.

Did you know that coffee tastes different depending on where it’s from? It’s like a world tour for your taste buds but without the jet lag. Believe it or not, even the way the bean is picked can affect the taste. So, if you’re feeling lazy, just remember that your coffee will suffer the consequences.

When you’re finally ready to upgrade your coffee game, you’ll start to notice fancy terms like “single-origin” and “blend.” Don’t worry, it’s not a secret code – just a way to make you feel like a coffee connoisseur. This blend is when the beans are brought together from more than one source. It’s like a coffee version of the United Nations.

This is like a symphony of flavors, all working together to create a mouthwatering masterpiece. Ah, nothing like savoring the bold and untainted flavor of a single bean from a far-off land. It’s like taking your taste buds on a luxurious vacation without ever leaving your kitchen.

Coffee beans are always a choice that depends on individual tastes but you should know that whatever means you use to grind or make that coffee can affect the roast’s flavor.  It’s like playing a game of Russian roulette with your taste buds. (So complicated, I know! But hey, at least it’s not rocket science. Oh wait, it is? Nevermind.) 

If you’re the kind of person who treats coffee like a casual fling, then you probably don’t need a machine that does backflips while brewing.

You may want something simple where you can press a button, and the coffee gets made because who needs the satisfaction of grinding beans, measuring water, and carefully pouring it over the grounds? Just push a button and let the coffee gods do the rest. But what often occurs is that folks end up purchasing a coffeemaker or grinder that’s relatively simple. And then they realize that their taste buds have become too sophisticated for their basic coffee maker and start regretting not buying the one with all the fancy buttons and whistles.

Just because your coffeemaker can make a latte that looks like it was crafted by Michelangelo doesn’t mean it can’t also whip up a plain ol’ cup of joe. Don’t let its fancy features go to its head. That way, when you’re feeling fancy and want to upgrade your taste buds, voila! More options and better flavor at your service.

No matter how much you crave that perfect cup of coffee, don’t go rogue and dump in an entire bag of beans. Trust me, I’ve tried. Don’t trust your peepers, they’re not always reliable. Well, unless you’re into playing coffee roulette every morning, you might want to consider using precise measurements to avoid a potential coffee disaster.

Picking a Coffeemaker That Brews Supreme Taste

Coffeemakers come in all shapes and sizes, from the basic “push a button and it spits out coffee” to the fancy ones that can probably make you breakfast in bed (just kidding, but seriously, who knows what they’re capable of).

Choosing a coffeemaker is like choosing a partner – it all depends on what you’re looking for in a relationship. If you’re a coffee fanatic and have some extra cash to burn, go ahead and treat yourself to the crème de la crème of coffee. Don’t settle for anything less than the best! People always regret not having options, but they never regret having them. 

When you’re on the hunt for a coffeemaker, remember that it’s not just a purchase, it’s a lifelong commitment to deliciousness and happiness. Find a coffee maker that won’t judge you for how much caffeine you consume.

Why bother brewing a whole pot of coffee if you’re only going to drink one cup?

Unless you’re trying to caffeinate the entire neighborhood, of course. You know what they say, “a cup of coffee a day keeps the grumpy away!” And with single-cup coffeemakers, you can have a different tasty brew every day of the week. Who needs variety in life when you have coffee?

Just like this Keurig K-Mini Coffee Maker, this will be the best for you. 

Find a coffeemaker that can do it all, but won’t make you sacrifice your precious laziness.

Even the most complicated contraptions should be as simple to use as a toaster. Well, if spending 8 hours deciphering the instruction manual is what you consider a good time, then I guess it’s worth it!

If you’re tired of settling for lukewarm, weak coffee, it’s time to upgrade to a coffeemaker that lets you play barista and customize your brew’s strength based on temperature. Trust us, your taste buds (and your morning mood) will thank you. With a fully programmable coffeemaker, you can finally live out your dream of having a personal barista that never complains about your coffee preferences and always shows up on time.

Oh, so you’re a coffee connoisseur who needs to control the temperature to achieve the perfect cup of joe? Don’t worry, we won’t judge your high-maintenance coffee habits. Looks like the coffee beans are quite the drama queens. They want hot water, but not too hot, or they’ll throw a bitter fit. Can’t please everyone, can we?

If you’re into coffee that tastes like it’s been sitting out for a while, then go for colder water. Your coffee machine should have the superpower to cool it down during brewing.

Also, when you’re buying a coffeemaker, look for ones that come with charcoal filters.

Oh, and don’t forget to get a coffeemaker with a built-in water sommelier – because who doesn’t love a hint of oak in their morning brew?

Well, unless you want your coffee to taste like a swimming pool, you better invest in this. 

Sometimes tap water that’s not the best can affect the machine by contributing to build-up. It’s like a double-edged sword – it quenches your thirst but also wreaks havoc on your machines. Who knew H2O could be so mischievous? The charcoal filter is like a superhero that saves your coffee from the evil chemicals lurking in the water supply. It’s the ultimate taste defender, ensuring that every sip is pure and delicious.

Some baristas will recommend that you wet a paper coffee filter in your machine with hot water before you actually run the coffee through. It’s like saying, “Hey there, little filter, you’re about to do something amazing, so let’s get you nice and toasty first.” Plus, it makes the coffee taste extra fancy. Oh boy, those coffee snobs really think they’re onto something. Apparently, if you don’t pre-wet the filter before letting the machine spew hot water over the grounds, you’ll end up with a cup of coffee that’s weaker than a kitten’s meow. Who knew making coffee was such a delicate art form?

One feature that you don’t want to be without in any coffeemaker is the pause button.

Now you can grab a cup of coffee and run like the wind without having to wait for the coffee maker to finish its morning yoga routine. Well, unless you want to give your kitchen a coffee-scented steam bath, I suggest you don’t interrupt the cycle.

Well, you can always buy a regular coffeemaker if you want to feel like a caveman who hasn’t discovered the magic of freshly ground coffee beans. If you want to avoid the disappointment of weak and tasteless coffee, it’s time to ditch your pre-ground beans and upgrade to a coffee maker with its own grinder. 

You’ll see these listed in stores and online with the phrase “automatic bean grinder” somewhere on the box or in the description.

Keep your eyes peeled, my friend, for this wondrous invention that will change your coffee game forever. You can either get it all in one package deal with the coffee maker or make your life more complicated by buying a separate grinding machine. Your choice, champ.

Coffee beans start to lose their flavor shortly after the bean is ground up.

Well, unless you want your coffee to taste like a stale sock, it’s probably best to grind those beans right before you brew. 

These machines with grinders are like the ultimate wingman – they give you the option to use either regular coffee or grind your own beans. It’s like having the best of both worlds but for your caffeine fix. Well, unless you want to buy two models and have a robot battle in your living room, it’s probably best to get the one that can do both.

If you want to taste the true essence of coffee, forget about those pre-ground beans and go for the fresh ones. Plus, you’ll finally be able to tell the difference between light, medium, and dark roast without feeling like a fraud.

You’ll find two types within the coffee grinder options – one that uses blades to grind up the coffee (known as a blade grinder) and one called a burr grinder.

Only the most refined and sophisticated coffee enthusiasts would dare to indulge in the pleasures of this particular contraption.

Looks like blade grinders have a mind of their own when it comes to grinding coffee beans – sometimes coarse, sometimes fine, you never know what you’re gonna get! With a burr grinder, the bean gets a good ol’ fashioned squish between two elements, so the grind ends up consistently sized.

Another problem many people have with blade grinders is that they sometimes ruin the bean’s flavor, making it taste almost burned. Well, it’s not rocket science, but maybe this could have something to do with the speed.

Burr grinders have a slightly slower process, but the full flavor of the coffee bean is retained.

Well, if you’re broke and can only afford a blade grinder, at least you’re not stuck with the stale, pre-ground coffee from the grocery store. The silver lining, am I right?

Understanding the Settings on Your Coffeemaker

Well, unless you’re a coffee-making robot from outer space, most of the settings on coffeemakers are pretty easy to figure out. But now and then, you’ll get some that you won’t get, or you might not understand the benefits that some of these settings make when it comes to your coffee.

Who needs a stove when you have a fancy coffeemaker that can do it all? Brew coffee, make tea, whip up some hot chocolate, and even cook soup! It’s like having a personal chef in your kitchen, except it only knows how to make hot liquids.

This feature is usually found as a hot water dispenser used separately from when you need to make coffee. You can also find settings that regulate the grind function of the machine. You can also discover the magical buttons that control the mystical grinding powers of the machine.

The type of grind you set will determine how fine or coarse your coffee beans are once you grind them. It’s all about the texture, baby! Ah, the delicate dance of grinding coffee. Too fine and your filter will throw a tantrum, too coarse and your taste buds will stage a revolt. It’s like trying to find the perfect balance between a high-maintenance diva and a laid-back surfer dude.

It’s the water running over the grounds that give you the fullest flavor.

So you need this part to be done correctly.  Well, unless you’re a small child who’s determined to make a hot mess, the water indicator and safety lock are pretty straightforward features.

Where most people run into trouble is with the programmable part. This magical box has everything you need to make a perfect cup of coffee: a clock to remind you how late you are for work, the time to remind you how much time you wasted staring at your coffee machine, the temperature setting to make sure your coffee is hotter than your ex’s new partner, and the clean setting to remind you that you should probably clean it sometime this decade.

Well, unless you want your room to feel like the inside of a volcano, you might want to adjust the temperature after setting the display. Just saying. Ah, yes, because who doesn’t love playing detective to figure out when their coffee maker needs a good scrubbing? But fear not, my dear caffeine addict, for some coffee makers have evolved to remind you when it’s time to give them a good ol’ cleaning. How thoughtful of them!

Flavored Coffee Beans

Pecan pie. Caramel Brownie. Pumpkin pie. Ah, the perfect combination of gooey chocolate and sugary goodness. It’s like a party in your mouth, and everyone’s invited! Ah, the quintessential dessert of fall. The perfect way to trick yourself into thinking you’re eating something healthy because it has “pumpkin” in the name. Well, well, well, look at these fancy schmancy desserts! Oh wait, my bad, those are just coffee flavors for your bougie coffeemaker.

Why settle for mediocre ground coffee with a hint of flavor when you can indulge in the pure, unadulterated goodness of flavored coffee beans? There are hundreds of different brands and flavors.

When you’re looking for different flavors, you can buy them in a variety of packs so that you can try more than one, or you can buy them in bags of one flavor. When you’re on a bean hunt, be sure to look for bags that proudly proclaim their bean-wholeness. Don’t settle for those half-baked imposters!

Because sometimes, manufacturers will put the words “flavored coffee” on the bag, and people assume that means whole beans.

It’s like thinking you’re getting a juicy steak, but it turns out to be a tofu burger. Don’t be fooled by those sneaky manufacturers and their tricky labeling tactics. Always double-check before you commit to a bag of “flavored coffee.” The beans are about to embark on a hot and steamy journey through the roasting process to become the flavorful little nuggets we all know and love.

Once that’s complete, these beans are then mixed with syrup. It’s the various ingredients of the syrup that gives the coffee beans the taste. They’re usually mixed in large quantities and then separated into bags or individual cups.

If you’re a wimp when it comes to flavored coffee, fear not! Just mix those flavored beans with some regular beans and voila! You’ll have a cup of coffee that won’t make you cry.

By mixing them, it will tone down the flavor.

If you want the flavor to be more robust, you use a little more coffee coupled with a little less water per cup or per pot.

Doctoring Up Your Coffee

If you’re feeling adventurous and want to spice up your coffee game, the options are practically endless. From unicorn tears to dragon breath to fairy dust… I mean creamers, to flavoring syrup to toppers… any magical flavor you can imagine can be conjured and savored with your cup of coffee. 

Creamers come in powder or liquid form.

And they come in flavors that range from comforting chocolates and caramels to sassy and spicy ones. 

Coffee lovers can now rejoice with the latest invention of syrup made exclusively for their beloved beverage.

It’s a hit among coffee addicts everywhere! 

If you’re tired of your coffee tasting like plain old coffee, try these bad boys out. They pack a punch of flavor that powdered creamers can only dream of. Plus, they come in fancy flavors like pumpkin spice and hazelnut. Who needs a basic cup of joe when you can have a party in your mouth? Who needs a boring old latte when you can add some cotton candy syrup and turn your morning coffee into a carnival in a cup?

Sprinkles on coffee are also a hit. 

If you’re feeling adventurous, try adding a dash of unicorn tears or dragon scales to your coffee for an otherworldly flavor experience. Just kidding, stick to cinnamon or nutmeg.

You know what’s the latest trend? Crushing toppings and sprinkling them on your coffee like it’s a donut. These ground toppings are the bomb dot com, especially when you sprinkle some crushed peppermint on top.

Ah, the great coffee debate! Some folks believe that adding toppings makes their coffee sweet enough, while others think those people are just plain wrong. If you’re looking for a little sweetness in your life, you have two options: sugar packets or sugar substitutes. Just don’t blame me if you end up with a sugar rush or a case of the fake sugar blues.

If you’re tired of your condiments running amok, fear not!

A humble coffee caddy or organizer can be your knight in shining armor. You have two options: either buy an organizer that can store everything from a toothpick to a kitchen sink, or get a caddy that can only hold coffee pods and nothing else. Choose wisely!

Listen up, coffee lovers! If you want to add flavors and condiments to your cup of joe, you better be ready to commit to some serious coffee equipment. We’re talking top-of-the-line beans and machines that can handle those grounds like a boss. Don’t even think about skimping on your coffee game if you want to play with the big boys. Well, well, well, looks like your liquid won’t require as much fixing as it would if you were dealing with some sorry excuse for beans and a coffee maker that’s as basic as a white girl’s pumpkin spice latte order.

Don’t worry, the coffee beans won’t bite! Take it slow and let them show you their true colors. You know you’re getting old when you start enjoying the simplicity of a blank canvas and black coffee every morning.

Professionals call this coffee cupping or mouthfeel. 

It’s like how a detective sniffs a crime scene first, followed by a taste of the evidence to solve the case. Ah, the coffee ritual! First, give it a good sniff like a bloodhound on a mission. Then, slurp it up like a spaghetti noodle and let it dance on your taste buds.

The age-old question: will it make your taste buds sing or scream? Oh, don’t be shy! You know you want to savor that lingering flavor sensation. Oh, come on! Don’t ruin a perfectly good cup of coffee with all those fancy add-ons. Keep it raw, just like nature intended.

Conclusion

Well, that article was about as exciting as watching paint dry, am I right? Well, you won’t read it unless you’re a coffee fanatic or you’re plotting to construct a coffee empire and need to get your caffeine knowledge up to speed.

If all of those are too much for you, I won’t judge you. We can always get instant coffee and buy some fancy one in…you-know-where.

Whatever our preferences are, we shouldn’t coffee-shame any coffee…lol

Happy sipping!

Affiliate Link Disclaimer:

Please note that some of the links in this article may be affiliate links. This means that if you click on the link and make a purchase, we may receive a small commission at no extra cost to you. We only recommend products and services that we believe in and have personally used or researched.

The commissions we earn through affiliate links help support the maintenance and development of our website, allowing us to continue providing valuable content for our readers. We appreciate your support!

Please be assured that our recommendations are based solely on our assessment of the products or services mentioned in the article. Your decision to purchase through an affiliate link is entirely up to you. Thank you for your understanding and continued support.